


Wager

by diamondboy (werewolfboy)



Series: You Only Live Forever [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon Universe, More information in the notes, Nonbinary Character, Not Canon Compliant, Original Character(s), Other, Self Insert, nb character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 01:36:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10754025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/werewolfboy/pseuds/diamondboy
Summary: Kakuzu and Kumakichi are an odd pair to anyone looking in from outside. Kakuzu is irritable, irascible, stingy, and not a man you want to be around longer than is necessary. Kumakichi is almost his opposite, a good humoured kinda guy whom people find endearing (in their own words “a sarcastic, witty, but altogether lovable rapscallion”) and want very much to be around. But for some reason that could never be fully understood as an outsider looking in, they’re an item and they work together well enough that the higher ups don’t ask questions. The designation of “higher ups”, unfortunately, does not include Hidan.





	Wager

**Author's Note:**

> This was the result of a little daydreaming I did and a little bit of nostalgia when I found an old sketchbook dated from the early days of the Naruto fanbase. I recently made the character Kumakichi (for whom I claim full ownership, and proudly) and I wanted to write something. So I did. Kumakichi is my character, and they're nonbinary same way I am nonbinary.
> 
> EDIT: For the love of all that is good, DO NOT TAG WORKS FEATURING KUMAKICHI AS YAOI. Kumakichi is NONBINARY, they aren't male or female and yaoi implies a male gender. Besides that, I myself have a lot of issues with the term as it usually implies fetishistic tendencies on the part of cisgender (and often also heterosexual) women, and I am really tired of being fetishized for my gender identity and sexuality. 
> 
> I don't want to start discourse over this in the comments, I just want people to respect me, my work, my preferences, and my characters. I'm going to start putting this exact comment on any other fics featuring a nonbinary character or any kind of queer relationship, if you have already bookmarked it under a tag such as this, I ask you to edit the bookmark and get rid of that tag. Please respect the wishes of the one who creates this content for free for your consumption.

        “Kakuzu. Hey.  _ Hey _ .” They said, risking the tiniest nudge of his shoulder. Two brilliant but very annoyed looking green eyes looked back up to meet their gaze. Kumakichi grinned reflexively.

 

        “What.” Came the gruff voice, clearly annoyed at having been interrupted. 

 

        Kakuzu had been going over a sheet of sums and balances, stuff that Kumakichi could only barely understand but that their lover seemed more than adept with.

 

        “You’ve been at that for a while now.” Kumakichi began, clearly building up to something. Kakuzu’s eyes narrowed, suspicious but hopefully willing to take the bait.

 

        “... I have.” He replied simply, eyes still locked on to Kumakichi’s. The bait had been taken, but they had to work very hard to reel him in. It was like wrangling eels, the slippery toothy bastards didn’t make it easy for anyone for any reason.

 

        “Thought you might like some water or food or something.” They said casually, sitting down next to him and putting a canister of water and two very neatly made teriyaki salmon filled onigiri in between themself and Kakuzu. 

 

        Kakuzu continued to stare at Kumakichi for a few moments, and when Kumakichi broke eye contact to look out into the trees Kakuzu gave a short sigh and put down the sheet he had been scrawling on. Kumakichi grinned again, a bit wider now. They didn’t look back at Kakuzu while he drank or while he began to take bites of onigiri, content to watch the forest life and strain their ears for the burbling of the river or indication of their third travel companion. It was only when they were certain that Kakuzu had relaxed and dropped his guard enough to be better company that they lifted their chin and spoke:

 

        “Say, Kakuzu.”

 

        “What is it?” 

        “Was wondering something about your partner.”

 

        An annoyed huff let Kumakichi know the subject was one that was disgusting. Oh well, it wasn’t like they didn’t already know that. But instead of a negative response that ended the conversation, Kakuzu talked back to them. The magic of Kumakichi’s cooking always came through. They fought very hard not to wrinkle their nose in smug satisfaction.

 

        “Not much to wonder about. He’s a reckless annoying brat.”

 

        “See, that’s the thing, though. I mean, obviously you’ve seen more of him than I have seeing as how we rarely ever get placed together on a job-”

 

        A snort from Kakuzu. Kumakichi let out a little laugh, they  _ have _ to. They know it’s only because the higher ups don’t want them to pick each other over the mission, or to risk having them in that scenario. They still get to be placed together on missions only because the number of people Kakuzu can work with can be counted on two fingers and the number he can work with  _ comfortably _ is one less than that.

 

       “-But,  _ but _ , see.. I just.” Kumakichi risks a glance at Kakuzu, and finds that the other man (the black cloth that covered half his face down so he can eat) is listening and without any of the suspicion that was previously on his face. They dare to continue and dare to hold Kakuzu’s gaze, “I just  _ can’t _ believe that he’s  _ that _ dumb. He’s got to have some kind of intelligence if he’s in the group.”

 

        Kumakichi’s trap set, they wait eagerly for a response and Kakuzu delivers. He snorts and lets out a short bark of laughter, finishing the second of the onigiri and washing it down with some water.

 

        “You’re hoping for something that isn’t there. Hidan is exactly what he looks like.”

 

        “A 22 year old cultist with a pain kink?”

 

        “Crass. But accurate.” Typical Kakuzu.

 

        “It isn’t exactly like I’m talking with royalty here, old man. I’ll be as crass as I like till that day comes, then it’ll be curtsies and how-do-you-dos.” They tease him, at their own risk really. The tall man replaces his mask and grunts, less receptive to the teasing.

 

        “How about a friendly wager?” Kumakichi grins wolfishly.

        “No.” 

 

        Ah. That was expected.

 

        “Kakuzu, at least let me outline the terms before you deny me my fun.” Kumakichi reasoned, shooting him a very calculated little pout. Flirty, but dogged. Fine. 

 

        “And if I said we wouldn’t be betting money?” They tried again, leaning in just a little into his space. They stayed there for a moment and went back to their original position when they heard a begrudging sigh.

 

        “Fine. What’s your bet?”

 

        “My bet is that Hidan is smarter than he looks.” They offered, pleased he’d taken them up. Kakuzu’s eyes didn’t betray anything, but they knew he was thinking it over. 

 

        “How do you intend to try and prove that?”

 

        “Simple. If, when he comes back from taking a piss, he doesn’t fall for one of my tricks- the really dumb kind, before you ask- then he has at the least a shred of intelligence in his whole person.” 

 

        “Hn. And what are you placing on the wager? So I’ll know what you owe me.”

 

        “Hm.” They tapped their lips thoughtfully and watched as Kakuzu’s eyes stared after the movement. “How about.. I snag you some monkfish liver when we hit the next town. Cook it how you like.”

 

        “Done. And, on the off chance I’m proven wrong and Hidan  _ has  _ a brain.. What do you want?”

 

        “Me? Well..” They blushed a little, but it could only be seen if you knew where to look and how to tell under the bushy and wild mane of hair they had. “... A blackberry tart. With fresh cream on top.”

 

        “.. Seriously?” Kakuzu sounded unimpressed. Kumakichi swivelled their head to give him a slight glare. It was then they realized he was..  _ Amused _ .

 

        “They should have named you ‘Hungry Bear’ rather than ‘Fortunate Bear’. Where the hell am I supposed to find a blackberry tart in any of the backwater towns we’ve been?”

 

        “Then.. I want a barrel of berries and a pint of cream.”

 

        “Pick one of those things. Be realistic.”

 

        “ _ Fine _ . I want a barrel of berries. Filled to the brim and if they give you anything less, take their money too. If you weren’t already going to take their money after you rob the berries anyhow.” 

 

        “Deal.” Kakuzu extended a hand to them and Kumakichi shook it happily. It wasn’t as if they were betting to prove him wrong, anyway. In fact, Kumakichi was only setting a wager as a twofer- they’d get to dick with Hidan and make Kakuzu feel superior and maybe even a little bit happy and all that for the price of one little bet.

 

        Kumakichi whistled a cheery tune and leaned back to stretch their legs. They had long since shucked their heavy cloak in the summer heat, tossing it next to their satchel across from the log they now sat on. Hidan had slid the heavy cloak off his shoulders and tied it around his waist, showing off his abs. Kakuzu himself betrayed no sign of being even remotely inconvenienced by the heat and had stubbornly kept his regalia intact.

 

        It had been a long day of travel, too. Kakuzu had called a halt after they had spent the majority of the day walking and encountered no one on the way to the next quiet town while chasing a bounty. But the quiet meant, of course, that Hidan was bored out of his mind and since he found very little conversation in Kakuzu and Kumakichi had been otherwise engaged in scouting ahead and behind, he had gotten unruly and annoying. 

 

        Kumakichi was almost certain that any opportunity to make Hidan look like a fool and utter ass was welcome to Kakuzu after such a long day. If it went well enough, Kumakichi might even be gifted with one of Kakuzu’s rare smiles, or perhaps even a kiss. They tried not to turn to putty at the mere thought of kissing Kakuzu, but it was extremely difficult. He was not the touchy-feely kind by a long shot, especially on a mission and especially with unwelcome company present. They had all been on this bounty for the past month or so, and Kumakichi felt it was high time something gave. 

 

        An obnoxious humming and whooshing noise in the distance announced the imminent return of Hidan. Kumakichi’s ears pricked and they raised their head. Kakuzu noticed, and picked up his sheet of sums once more. Kumakichi gave him a big smile and got up a moment to rummage in their satchel for the night’s dinner. 

 

        A good seven minutes passed, during which Kumakichi started a modest fire and began cooking salted beef strips in broth with some of the wild greens they’d found scouting, and Hidan returned to camp. He grinned maliciously when he spotted Kumakichi sitting next to Kakuzu.

 

        “Wow, Kakuzu, watch it with all the PDA. Some of us want to keep our appetites here.” He joked, sitting down with a  _ whoomph  _ on the ground next to Kumakichi’s spot.

 

        “Shut up.” Kakuzu said simply, 

 

        “You were gone a long time. Didja forget you only have to dig a hole for your shit?” Kumakichi joked, grinning at him.

 

        “Fuck you, Kumakichi.”

 

        “In your dreams, little man.” They taunted, reaching to stir the pot.

 

        “And get the old man’s sloppy seconds? Hard pass.”

 

        Kumakichi was about to mouth off at Hidan when Kakuzu very loudly and very deliberately shifted toward them, balance sheet stowed in his cloak. He took the knife Kumakichi had been using to stir the stew and took over watching it.

 

        “You two are annoying me.” Kakuzu informed them, shooting them both a calculated glower. Kumakichi could tell he didn’t mean it when their eyes met. Hidan didn’t seem to be able to tell.

 

        Hidan huffed and grumbled something or other, Kumakichi didn’t bother picking it up and instead untied and began to groom through their giant shaggy mane of hair. 

 

        Kakuzu portioned out the stew when it was cooked well enough, and Kumakichi visibly relaxed when their hands touched and Kakuzu lingered for a second longer- all unnoticed by Hidan who instead noisily began to eat. Kumakichi followed suit but with grace and poise.

 

        After a few minutes of noisy eating and grabbing seconds, Kumakichi tapped the log and straightened up. They signalled Kakuzu subtly and leaned forward, resting their elbows on their knees and looking matter-of-fact.

 

        “Hey, Hidan.”

 

        “Yeah? What?” The younger man asked, pausing his meal.

 

        “Did you know that if you imagine and shake a salt shaker above your mouth, you’ll actually be able to taste it?”

 

        Kakuzu’s entire being betrayed nothing but Kumakichi knew that under his mask and stoic face there was a part of him howling with laughter and another part of him dumbfounded that Kumakichi had chosen this out of all of their tricks.

 

        “Wha-? Really?”

 

        “Try it if you don’t believe me.”

 

        Kumakichi wrestled against laughing as they watched Hidan raise his hand above his now open mouth and jerk his fist back and forth over tongue. It looked lewd. Kumakichi did not regret their choice of prank.

 

        It took a minute for Hidan to pause and angrily declare, “I don’t feel anything.”

 

        Kumakichi twitched and exploded with laughter, and Hidan’s face went red and he began to curse and swear and threaten them with bodily harm.

 

        Later on, when the food had been eaten and everything clean and stowed away, Kakuzu approached Kumakichi as they made a comfortable nest of their cloak and lay down on it.

 

        “Told you he was a dumbass.” Kakuzu grunted, sitting down close to them.

 

        “Yes, well, that teaches me. Never challenge your knowledge again, all that. I owe you a monkfish’s liver.” They wrinkled their nose and turned their gaze to the stars.

 

        “Kumakichi.”

 

       “Huh?” They looked back at him, and found him taking down the part of his mask that covered his mouth.

 

        “Cmere. I’m gonna kiss you.” 

 

        A grin split Kumakichi’s face and they eagerly sat up, leaning toward him. The man had no charm in asking for things like this, but Kumakichi continued to find it endearing in its own way.

 

        The kiss was chaste and gentle, but long enough for Kumakichi to melt a little and sigh when Kakuzu pulled away and replaced his mask.

 

        “We’re on the road early again tomorrow. Get some rest.” He said brusquely, and went to take the first watch.

  
        Kumakichi settled in comfortably and touched their fingers to their lips, elated.


End file.
